Last night I was able to hear and take part in a discussion
about D/s with a “new sub”. The
discussion made me think about a lot of things; what does being D/s really
mean, what is a dom and a sub, what is simply fantasy and roleplay vs reality?
Something I wish I would have said last night is this: The
only thing that truly matters is what your relationship is to you and your
partner. It’s not the titles we give ourselves, it’s not a checklist we follow,
it is how you build a relationship with another person. Because all people are
different and we all respond to different triggers, every single dom and sub
will be different and every pairing will and should be different and built
together.
Now, having said that, I’m sure there are many people who
would disagree with me, but, how can you possibly have the exact same
relationship with a different person? Or
why would a newly formed couple only wish to emulate another couple or D/s
relationship they’ve experienced or observed rather than building something
uniquely theirs?
Last night after the discussion my love asked me if I missed
or wanted him to be “more Dom”. He
didn’t like the answer I gave him. But it’s truly how I feel and what I want. I
don’t want him to be or act like something he isn’t just because it’s what he
thinks I want. Because what I want is HIM. I want his natural responses and
instincts and excitement. That is what triggers my sub, that is what takes me
higher than anything else. When he is doing something he truly enjoys and wants
to do, whether that is being a dom or submissive or “mushy and lovey” it
“triggers” or excites a genuine response from me. What he wanted was for me to
tell him what I want and what I’m craving, which is just HIM – who he naturally
is and not some idea of a way to have sex or a way to be. Which is what
prompted me to think about our relationship, our separate experiences and where
we are now as far as D/s is concerned.
My first experience in a serious relationship that would
definitely be considered D/s didn’t include titles or names or collars; we
didn’t know that terminology, we didn’t use collars or symbols, it was just how
we were. So, having had this “label”
free experience, my perspective of a D/s relationship may be different than
someone else who has heard the terminology and knows about the titles and the
collars and all of the entrapments of “the lifestyle”. To me, having a D/s relationship isn’t a
roleplay, it isn’t even truly a lifestyle, it isn’t labels and titles and jewelry,
it’s simply a compulsion – a way of being that you just naturally are! It’s not
forced, it’s not a part you play out with specific actions and words, it’s
something you are simply compelled to do and you do it. Period. But, for many it is a roleplay. It’s a
fantasy that they act out, like pretending to be a naughty school girl or a
nurse or whatever. And this is obviously ok as well, it’s just not how I am,
nor is it how I want my relationship(s) to be.
After learning more and more about the terminology in the
lifestyle, I have identified myself as a switch. I simply am. I am triggered by
words or other stimuli to perform a certain way (submit) for my lover (dom). I
am compelled to be that way. I also experience the compulsion to command. It’s something I do instinctually and automatically,
it’s not a thought out or forced process for me. It just happens. And I’ve
always been this way. Now, I simply have a label box to fit bits of me and my
relationships into, but it doesn’t mean that I want to live life by a D/s
relationship checklist, because then you simply become an actor playing out a
part.
In my current relationship, I have discovered that there do
seem to be a lot of coincidental triggers and emotions and experiences that are
common for people in the lifestyle. This has been exciting and fun and even
comforting to discover, especially when an emotion or experience causes me to
ask myself “what the fuck just happened to me?!” Such as being triggered by the words “good
girl”, which I had never been called before, and how I responded to hearing them
and experiencing sub-space, which I had no words to describe before hearing the
definition. And knowing that this feeling inside of me is real and that my
reaction to my lover is ok to have and even desirable. All of these
things have been affirmed by learning more and more about sensual BDSM. which is
the category of D/s I feel I fit into best.
My lover’s experience, on the other hand, has been different
than mine. He has a good friend who is very much into the D/s lifestyle and he
has heard things about her relationship and the lifestyle from her perspective,
never really identifying those things in himself. His idea of the D/s lifestyle
seems to come from a more “orthodox” checklist, titled, rules based
relationship model. So when we
discovered these triggers in ourselves we sought guidance and support from our
friends and researched things online. We discussed everything as we went – how
we felt about it, if we wanted to incorporate it into our relationship, if it
worked for us, etc. And this experience was amazing! It brought us closer and
opened up really interesting discussions and insights into ourselves and each
other.
But, I think our dynamic started to become more about the constructs
of having a D/s relationship and if we were doing the things on the checklist
of what people in a D/s relationship are “supposed to do” rather than just
having our relationship. The D/s
aspect became a monumental part of our relationship and it began to overwhelm
our organic and natural exploration of each other. Hmmm…an epiphany just struck
me that in essence, the idea of being D/s, the acknowledgement of it became our
“dom” in the relationship. The ideas of what it SHOULD be started to control
us. His perception of what a dom is and
does and should do bullied him, and a natural dom being dommed usually doesn’t
work out so well. So he pushed away and rebelled against the thing controlling
him, which was being “a dom”.
So, our relationship has had some fascinating fluctuations
that have been incredibly exciting, amazing, scary, difficult, sad, and
eye-opening. We are becoming more
open to exploring what we want to do and not looking at the natural D/s
tendencies in ourselves as something overwhelming, but as something we can
enjoy more organically because we’re not forcing them to happen. And this not
only excites me but it makes me feel like we are really breaking free of any
self inflicted constraints and opening up to experiencing everything we could
possibly want together.
