. nympho .

Pressure. Building. Constant. Never ceasing. Even sleep does nothing to tame the desire. Today I face you again, my ever demanding libido, in an eternal stand off of craving and need vs.will power.

I have tried to control you, tame you, restrain you, suppress you, ignore you, feed you, nurture you, and yes even understand you.  I fear that one day my will power will fail me and I’ll hurt myself or someone I love in my compulsory drive to satisfy this one need. I, ME, my inner being, my core does NOT want to hurt anyone. But how do you fight and battle against such a craving alone?

I have known, as far back as I have memory, that I am a highly sexual being. My “energy” has always been one infused with sexual intensity.  Today I made the most blasphemous of statements; that I wished I didn’t have a sex drive at all. I have loved this “gift” (as I’ve always seen it) especially when I have been having consistent orgasms as long as I can remember and others have lived a lifetime without experiencing even one.

Why can’t I be satisfied with less, or in other words, a “normal” amount of sex? Why can’t I drive out this need even for a few minutes?

In the past I have sought help or resources in managing it or reasons for my incredibly high drive. I have gone so far as to see a few medical doctors and a psychiatrist. Test results show normal hormone ranges. The only recommendations or options I received was to give in and explore and accept my sexuality or to take prescription drugs to essentially “kill the drive” or use meditation/mental exercises.  I have been using explore and meditation/mental control/will power with pretty good success all my life. 

So, what brought about the “downer” of today?  I think the more I have explored/embraced myself in this area, the more I know what it is I crave. Not that the need or desire has become stronger, just that now I know what I want and I miss it that much more when it is in scarce supply.  Perhaps I’m having withdrawals.  It is mid-month. This is the peak of my fight with temptation to seek gratification in whatever form I can find. This is the time I struggle against myself the most. This is the time when sleep, food and water become inconsequential and mere distractions. This is the time my body literally shakes from the turmoil of resistance.

How do I fight this compulsion alone, without a partner to help me? How do I stop the shivers through my body because I am unable to control the desires I have? How do I stop myself from straying? I don’t know; through conviction, stubbornness, will power, fierce loyalty and dedication? I only have to get through one more night. Tomorrow will be better.