Pressure. Building. Constant. Never ceasing. Even sleep does
nothing to tame the desire. Today I face you again, my ever demanding libido,
in an eternal stand off of craving and need vs.will power.
I have tried to control you, tame you, restrain you, suppress
you, ignore you, feed you, nurture you, and yes even understand you. I fear that one day my will power will fail
me and I’ll hurt myself or someone I love in my compulsory drive to satisfy
this one need. I, ME, my inner being, my core does NOT want to hurt anyone. But
how do you fight and battle against such a craving alone?
I have known, as far back as I have memory, that I am a
highly sexual being. My “energy” has always been one infused with sexual
intensity. Today I made the most blasphemous
of statements; that I wished I didn’t have a sex drive at all. I have loved
this “gift” (as I’ve always seen it) especially when I have been having
consistent orgasms as long as I can remember and others have lived a lifetime
without experiencing even one.
Why can’t I be satisfied with less, or in other words, a “normal”
amount of sex? Why can’t I drive out this need even for a few minutes?
In the past I have sought help or resources in managing it or
reasons for my incredibly high drive. I have gone so far as to see a few
medical doctors and a psychiatrist. Test results show normal hormone ranges. The
only recommendations or options I received was to give in and explore and
accept my sexuality or to take prescription drugs to essentially “kill the
drive” or use meditation/mental exercises. I have been using explore and meditation/mental
control/will power with pretty good success all my life.
So, what brought about the “downer” of today? I think the more I have explored/embraced
myself in this area, the more I know what it is I crave. Not that the need or
desire has become stronger, just that now I know what I want and I miss it that
much more when it is in scarce supply. Perhaps
I’m having withdrawals. It is mid-month. This is the peak of my fight with temptation to seek
gratification in whatever form I can find. This is the time I struggle against
myself the most. This is the time when sleep, food and water become
inconsequential and mere distractions. This is the time my body literally
shakes from the turmoil of resistance.
How do I fight this compulsion alone, without a partner to
help me? How do I stop the shivers through my body because I am unable to
control the desires I have? How do I stop myself from straying? I don’t know;
through conviction, stubbornness, will power, fierce loyalty and dedication? I
only have to get through one more night. Tomorrow will be better.
