Tuesday, September 2, 2014

. sensual BDSM .

I found an excellent description in a Group on FetLife:

The sensual submissive

The sensual submissive does not usually respond well to the violence and pain of BDSM. They respond to the simple power over the mind and body. The control is the dominant, their closeness, their strength of mind and company is enough to start this submissive on their journey. They succumb to their dominant by mere voice, touch and presence. Sensual play brings them deeper under the dominants control until the desired state is achieved.

The sensual dominant

As its BDSM counterpart, the dominant draws their satisfaction from power. Violence is usually not the sensual dom/mes way, but control still is very much a part of it. It’s more of a slower, more sensual attack on the mind and body. Matched with their sensual submissive counterpart, they steep in that power and control, building strength and momentum with their responses, just as the BDSM dominant does from their play.

- FetLife, Sensual Domination Group

Friday, April 19, 2013

bored of my o's

your love is a fucking cage
im trapped here

what is this power you have over me
over my heart

you say i have to make wanting you a non-issue
in order to be with you

how am i supposed to do that

where is my lover

Monday, November 12, 2012

. broken .

What is trust?
What is faith?
Is it all blind?
When it’s lost, how do you find it again?
How do you rebuild it?
How do you learn to forgive and trust again?
How do you find that place inside for the person who betrayed you?

I only have questions. I’m lost for answers.

I keep looking for something or someone to rescue me from the pain and the doubt and the fear. But all I find is emptiness, just a black hole sucking out my soul. Turning inside myself is far too frightening and painful. I’m lost without a guide or map. Isn’t there any kind of fucking emotional GPS?

I want to tear things down. I want to blow holes through them. I want to destroy. I want to hurt as I’m hurting. I want to push off this pain and fear. I want to kick at it with anger.

Someone rescue me.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

. our love is madness . thank you Muse!

I heard this song and it completely summed up the last couple of weeks.  I forgive, you forgive, we continue. Our love is madness and you're my crazy pill.  I'm insane for you.


I, I can't get these memories out of my mind,
And some kind of madness has started to evolve.
I, I tried so hard to let you go,
But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole, yeah

I have finally seen the light,
And I have finally realized,
What you mean.

And now, I need to know is this real love,
Or is it just madness keeping us afloat?
And when I look back at all the crazy fights we had,
Like some kind of madness
Was taking control

And now I have finally seen the light,
And I have finally realized,
What you need.

And now I have finally seen the end
And I'm not expecting you to care
But I have finally seen the light
I have finally realized
I need your love
I need your love

Come to me,
Just in a dream
Come on and rescue me.
Yes I know, I can be wrong
Maybe I'm too headstrong
Our love is

MUSE lyrics are property and copyright of their owners.
"Madness" lyrics provided for educational purposes and personal use only.
Copyright © 2000-2012 AZLyrics.com

Sunday, September 9, 2012

. how love feels .

I found this artist's work online and his drawings are so sweet -- I just LOVE them!! They really capture exactly how I feel <3
Even though we're not together physically, my love is always with me no matter where I go or what I'm doing. I love you sooo much sweetness!!! <3
I can't wait for your hugs!!!
**mushiness managed**

See more of this artists work at: www.hj-story.com

Friday, September 7, 2012

. BDSM breakdown .

I just read this post on the willing slut blog (link below); she has a great blog, so check it out.   Her post is about the different aspects of BDSM and where she feels that she fits within all the different ways to express/experience her submission.

I always enjoy learning about how other people think and feel about things and (ok, this may sound strange) but, it is a comfort of sorts knowing that I'm not the only "submissive" who isn't also a "pain slut" :P

I also really love the BDSM diagram (image below) she found on wiki. It's nice to see how so many different aspects come together to form the whole. The variety and possibilities are as endless as the individuals who enjoy them :)

Link to the willing slut blog submission post:
willing slut: submission 10

Saturday, August 25, 2012

. D/s .

Last night I was able to hear and take part in a discussion about D/s with a “new sub”.  The discussion made me think about a lot of things; what does being D/s really mean, what is a dom and a sub, what is simply fantasy and roleplay vs reality?

Something I wish I would have said last night is this: The only thing that truly matters is what your relationship is to you and your partner. It’s not the titles we give ourselves, it’s not a checklist we follow, it is how you build a relationship with another person. Because all people are different and we all respond to different triggers, every single dom and sub will be different and every pairing will and should be different and built together.

Now, having said that, I’m sure there are many people who would disagree with me, but, how can you possibly have the exact same relationship with a different person?  Or why would a newly formed couple only wish to emulate another couple or D/s relationship they’ve experienced or observed rather than building something uniquely theirs?

Last night after the discussion my love asked me if I missed or wanted him to be “more Dom”.  He didn’t like the answer I gave him. But it’s truly how I feel and what I want. I don’t want him to be or act like something he isn’t just because it’s what he thinks I want. Because what I want is HIM. I want his natural responses and instincts and excitement. That is what triggers my sub, that is what takes me higher than anything else. When he is doing something he truly enjoys and wants to do, whether that is being a dom or submissive or “mushy and lovey” it “triggers” or excites a genuine response from me. What he wanted was for me to tell him what I want and what I’m craving, which is just HIM – who he naturally is and not some idea of a way to have sex or a way to be. Which is what prompted me to think about our relationship, our separate experiences and where we are now as far as D/s is concerned.

My first experience in a serious relationship that would definitely be considered D/s didn’t include titles or names or collars; we didn’t know that terminology, we didn’t use collars or symbols, it was just how we were.  So, having had this “label” free experience, my perspective of a D/s relationship may be different than someone else who has heard the terminology and knows about the titles and the collars and all of the entrapments of “the lifestyle”.  To me, having a D/s relationship isn’t a roleplay, it isn’t even truly a lifestyle, it isn’t labels and titles and jewelry, it’s simply a compulsion – a way of being that you just naturally are! It’s not forced, it’s not a part you play out with specific actions and words, it’s something you are simply compelled to do and you do it. Period.  But, for many it is a roleplay. It’s a fantasy that they act out, like pretending to be a naughty school girl or a nurse or whatever. And this is obviously ok as well, it’s just not how I am, nor is it how I want my relationship(s) to be.

After learning more and more about the terminology in the lifestyle, I have identified myself as a switch. I simply am. I am triggered by words or other stimuli to perform a certain way (submit) for my lover (dom). I am compelled to be that way. I also experience the compulsion to command. It’s something I do instinctually and automatically, it’s not a thought out or forced process for me. It just happens. And I’ve always been this way. Now, I simply have a label box to fit bits of me and my relationships into, but it doesn’t mean that I want to live life by a D/s relationship checklist, because then you simply become an actor playing out a part.

In my current relationship, I have discovered that there do seem to be a lot of coincidental triggers and emotions and experiences that are common for people in the lifestyle. This has been exciting and fun and even comforting to discover, especially when an emotion or experience causes me to ask myself “what the fuck just happened to me?!”  Such as being triggered by the words “good girl”, which I had never been called before, and how I responded to hearing them and experiencing sub-space, which I had no words to describe before hearing the definition. And knowing that this feeling inside of me is real and that my reaction to my lover is ok to have and even desirable. All of these things have been affirmed by learning more and more about sensual BDSM. which is the category of D/s I feel I fit into best.

My lover’s experience, on the other hand, has been different than mine. He has a good friend who is very much into the D/s lifestyle and he has heard things about her relationship and the lifestyle from her perspective, never really identifying those things in himself. His idea of the D/s lifestyle seems to come from a more “orthodox” checklist, titled, rules based relationship model.  So when we discovered these triggers in ourselves we sought guidance and support from our friends and researched things online. We discussed everything as we went – how we felt about it, if we wanted to incorporate it into our relationship, if it worked for us, etc. And this experience was amazing! It brought us closer and opened up really interesting discussions and insights into ourselves and each other.

But, I think our dynamic started to become more about the constructs of having a D/s relationship and if we were doing the things on the checklist of what people in a D/s relationship are “supposed to do” rather than just having our relationship. The D/s aspect became a monumental part of our relationship and it began to overwhelm our organic and natural exploration of each other. Hmmm…an epiphany just struck me that in essence, the idea of being D/s, the acknowledgement of it became our “dom” in the relationship. The ideas of what it SHOULD be started to control us.  His perception of what a dom is and does and should do bullied him, and a natural dom being dommed usually doesn’t work out so well. So he pushed away and rebelled against the thing controlling him, which was being “a dom”.

So, our relationship has had some fascinating fluctuations that have been incredibly exciting, amazing, scary, difficult, sad, and eye-opening. We are becoming more open to exploring what we want to do and not looking at the natural D/s tendencies in ourselves as something overwhelming, but as something we can enjoy more organically because we’re not forcing them to happen. And this not only excites me but it makes me feel like we are really breaking free of any self inflicted constraints and opening up to experiencing everything we could possibly want together.