. D/s .

Last night I was able to hear and take part in a discussion about D/s with a “new sub”.  The discussion made me think about a lot of things; what does being D/s really mean, what is a dom and a sub, what is simply fantasy and roleplay vs reality?

Something I wish I would have said last night is this: The only thing that truly matters is what your relationship is to you and your partner. It’s not the titles we give ourselves, it’s not a checklist we follow, it is how you build a relationship with another person. Because all people are different and we all respond to different triggers, every single dom and sub will be different and every pairing will and should be different and built together.

Now, having said that, I’m sure there are many people who would disagree with me, but, how can you possibly have the exact same relationship with a different person?  Or why would a newly formed couple only wish to emulate another couple or D/s relationship they’ve experienced or observed rather than building something uniquely theirs?

Last night after the discussion my love asked me if I missed or wanted him to be “more Dom”.  He didn’t like the answer I gave him. But it’s truly how I feel and what I want. I don’t want him to be or act like something he isn’t just because it’s what he thinks I want. Because what I want is HIM. I want his natural responses and instincts and excitement. That is what triggers my sub, that is what takes me higher than anything else. When he is doing something he truly enjoys and wants to do, whether that is being a dom or submissive or “mushy and lovey” it “triggers” or excites a genuine response from me. What he wanted was for me to tell him what I want and what I’m craving, which is just HIM – who he naturally is and not some idea of a way to have sex or a way to be. Which is what prompted me to think about our relationship, our separate experiences and where we are now as far as D/s is concerned.

My first experience in a serious relationship that would definitely be considered D/s didn’t include titles or names or collars; we didn’t know that terminology, we didn’t use collars or symbols, it was just how we were.  So, having had this “label” free experience, my perspective of a D/s relationship may be different than someone else who has heard the terminology and knows about the titles and the collars and all of the entrapments of “the lifestyle”.  To me, having a D/s relationship isn’t a roleplay, it isn’t even truly a lifestyle, it isn’t labels and titles and jewelry, it’s simply a compulsion – a way of being that you just naturally are! It’s not forced, it’s not a part you play out with specific actions and words, it’s something you are simply compelled to do and you do it. Period.  But, for many it is a roleplay. It’s a fantasy that they act out, like pretending to be a naughty school girl or a nurse or whatever. And this is obviously ok as well, it’s just not how I am, nor is it how I want my relationship(s) to be.

After learning more and more about the terminology in the lifestyle, I have identified myself as a switch. I simply am. I am triggered by words or other stimuli to perform a certain way (submit) for my lover (dom). I am compelled to be that way. I also experience the compulsion to command. It’s something I do instinctually and automatically, it’s not a thought out or forced process for me. It just happens. And I’ve always been this way. Now, I simply have a label box to fit bits of me and my relationships into, but it doesn’t mean that I want to live life by a D/s relationship checklist, because then you simply become an actor playing out a part.

In my current relationship, I have discovered that there do seem to be a lot of coincidental triggers and emotions and experiences that are common for people in the lifestyle. This has been exciting and fun and even comforting to discover, especially when an emotion or experience causes me to ask myself “what the fuck just happened to me?!”  Such as being triggered by the words “good girl”, which I had never been called before, and how I responded to hearing them and experiencing sub-space, which I had no words to describe before hearing the definition. And knowing that this feeling inside of me is real and that my reaction to my lover is ok to have and even desirable. All of these things have been affirmed by learning more and more about sensual BDSM. which is the category of D/s I feel I fit into best.

My lover’s experience, on the other hand, has been different than mine. He has a good friend who is very much into the D/s lifestyle and he has heard things about her relationship and the lifestyle from her perspective, never really identifying those things in himself. His idea of the D/s lifestyle seems to come from a more “orthodox” checklist, titled, rules based relationship model.  So when we discovered these triggers in ourselves we sought guidance and support from our friends and researched things online. We discussed everything as we went – how we felt about it, if we wanted to incorporate it into our relationship, if it worked for us, etc. And this experience was amazing! It brought us closer and opened up really interesting discussions and insights into ourselves and each other.

But, I think our dynamic started to become more about the constructs of having a D/s relationship and if we were doing the things on the checklist of what people in a D/s relationship are “supposed to do” rather than just having our relationship. The D/s aspect became a monumental part of our relationship and it began to overwhelm our organic and natural exploration of each other. Hmmm…an epiphany just struck me that in essence, the idea of being D/s, the acknowledgement of it became our “dom” in the relationship. The ideas of what it SHOULD be started to control us.  His perception of what a dom is and does and should do bullied him, and a natural dom being dommed usually doesn’t work out so well. So he pushed away and rebelled against the thing controlling him, which was being “a dom”.

So, our relationship has had some fascinating fluctuations that have been incredibly exciting, amazing, scary, difficult, sad, and eye-opening. We are becoming more open to exploring what we want to do and not looking at the natural D/s tendencies in ourselves as something overwhelming, but as something we can enjoy more organically because we’re not forcing them to happen. And this not only excites me but it makes me feel like we are really breaking free of any self inflicted constraints and opening up to experiencing everything we could possibly want together.